Really, I am. I thrive on love in all forms. Online love. Offline love. Love for my work, love for other people’s work. Love is my favorite.

I think we’re all little walking love machines. It would be cool if we had glowy hearts on our chests that we could push to disseminate and receive the love we need. When we’re feeling low, our glowy heart would be dim. And then everyone would fill us up until we were day-glow bright again.

Gwen Bell posted this video a few weeks ago, and it’s one of those that I’m finding myself going back to over and over.

If you don’t have time to watch the whole thing, pay attention to 9:22 to 14:45. It talks about how technology has moved our society to a place where we’re seeking trust, meaning, and quality of life over our previously-held values of privacy, constant availability, and ease of use. Our use of technology has made us feel isolated and alone (our glowy hearts are dim!), and now we’re using it to foster meaningful connection.

So what does that mean for us?

I’ve been a pioneer in content-driven websites. Now that people are starting to get that, I’m paying attention to new practices that are solving some of the challenges we face with the content-driven model. It’s not good enough to be a pioneer. You have to know where things are going.

I like to watch people who have been online for a good while to sense the direction of where things are headed. When we’re new to working online, we tend to over-indulge in all of the candy. (But the candy! It might disappear! Must. eat.) But the more seasoned folks among us have over-indulged, under-indulged, and eventually come to a point of investing their time in the things that have longevity. Things I’m noticing now:

• A general repulsion for the exploitation of relationships. We’re funny and real and so transparent. We’ve gotten rid of the corporate lingo and have become comfortable being ourselves. Which is great. But if that becomes another marketing gimmick, we are sickened beyond belief. Which makes sense, given our society’s deepest needs are for trust, security, and meaning. Bad things happen when our deepest needs are exploited.
• Stepping up what we publish. Sick of excessive information and searching for real meaning, we are starting to take our content more seriously. Makes complete sense, and I’m glad it’s happening. Sometimes first drafts are okay to publish, but what would happen if we treated our work as art? What would happen if we polished and shimmied and shined everything we put out there, even to the detriment of frequency?
• Respecting when people disconnect. Our technology-free days are becoming intentional. We do not lose credibility when we disappear to work on our art. Rest is beginning to be respected.
• Instantly recognizing marketing cliches. Remember your favorite English teacher’s definition of cliche? Anything you’ve heard once. And it’s becoming even truer in online marketing. It is now so important to put on our horse-blinders and create strategy that is just ours.
• Having launch fatigue. Marissa Bracke wrote an extremely timely article on this last week. When our relationships with people online become 85% about what we’re launching or what other people are launching, we’re bound to get tired of all of the launching. It’s starting to happen, folks. Which is another reason to put on those blinders and do something no one else is doing. Including launching like no one else is launching.
• Appreciating the chopping block. We are tired of sifting through information. We want carefully edited direction. Instead of googling, we ask people on Twitter for their recommendations. When we visit a website, we don’t want everything in the sidebars — just a selection of what’s most important and useful. Instead of an exhaustive list of books on marketing, we would rather have Ted’s top five. It’s not enough to be simple. We want hand-picked. If you build a reputation of hand-picking the best stuff and chopping off the rest, people will come to you as a trusted resource.
• Going back to professionalism (a little). When we tossed out corporate crap, we tossed out a lot of…crap. But there was also a lot of good stuff that went out with the trash. Like quality. Just because it’s personal, doesn’t mean that we can shill crap (read Amy Hoy’s excellent article on this…and don’t worry. She informs me that it’s Nutella.). We need quality photography. Quality writing. Quality packaging. Quality products. If we’re going to continue to flourish in the online space, we can’t become known for over-priced, over-hyped crap.

So that’s what I’ve been thinking about while I’ve been being quiet. Love, crap, and sandwiches. Also, that LiteSites are back from vacay. And I’ve hired two people who I love and who you will meet very soon. And also that I need to hire a third, but I’m not a fan of being too big for my britches.

Love. To you.

This is the third part of a series on rocking your audience at whatever stage you’re at. As we go through each stage, I’d love to discuss it like crazy and do some q&a before moving on to the next one. So got comments? Leave ‘em. I’ll be adding everyone who participates to the Twitter list so that we can keep up with each other.

I have never actually seen a peanut tree. [Update: This is probably because they do not exist! Google #fail.] But in my head, I imagine it growing, growing. And then the time for harvest comes, and the peanuts are falling all over the place. Actually, it’s raining peanuts. Your neighbor is screaming at you to get them off her lawn (or maybe it’s just my whacko neighbor, but that’s a story for another day).

Let’s imagine that those peanuts are your community. The ones who built your blog into a poppin’ place to be. The ones who bought your products when you thought no one would. The ones who said exactly the thing you needed to hear when you were convinced that you were the suckiest [whatever your job is] on the planet.

You literally prayed for peanuts for months, years even. And now you have them. (Some are even growing into little trees and are sharing their harvest with you…fun!) You have a couple of options.

Option 1: Walk the red carpet

Smile. Wave. Have red velvet ropes surrounding you so that people can’t get too close. Of course, the right people can get close. The ones with all of the fame and fortune. The ones who are useful to you in some way.

Ugh. I know we would never ever do this intentionally. But ask the guy whose last 5 @ replies on twitter you haven’t responded to. Ask the girl who emailed you twice to tell you how much you rocked her world with that thing you did. Those people would probably put you in the category of “individuals who obviously don’t care that I exist”. You’re a rockstar, all right. And you’ve got the elusiveness to prove it.

Option 2: Shake hands with everyone if it kills you

You can choose to have a mission. You will answer every tweet. Every email. Every phone call and facebook tag. You can hire a VA (or two) to help you with the massive amount of communication that is happening. You can choose to be a paragon of inclusiveness…at a cost. Huzzah for inclusivity!

Huzzah for exhaustion and trying to do the impossible! Oh wait. That’s not a huzzah. That’s a big boo. So what’s a bonafide social web-lovin’ rockstar to do?

Option 3: Dive into the mosh pit

There’s a certain amount of trust involved when you jump into a mosh pit. A certain amount of putting yourself out there in full. You’re not engaging with everyone, but you’re engaging with the people who have taken the effort to put themselves on your front row. You take the effort with the people who are genuinely taking the effort with you.

You might not answer every form of communication known to man (hello…voicemail plain sucks), but you have your favorite ways of keeping in touch on an individual basis (DMs, anyone?). If you set those expectations up ahead of time, you’re much less likely to make people feel thisbig.

Gwen Bell is a perfect example of someone who nails the community thing. There’s a good reason I talk this woman up a storm. She’s smart. She’s insightful. And despite her celebrity status, she is one of the most grounded people I’ve ever met. You know those super-laser goggles everyone has that can tell how “important” a person is? I don’t think she has them. She makes up her own rules about who is worth listening to. She’s an empty cup. I asked her how she keeps up with the high demands on her time, and she said:

First: check in with yourself frequently. Ask: how is my energy? Choose to respond to inbox x y or z based on that.

If high energy. Spend it on creation, new endeavors & open loops. Action items. If low. Spend it approving comments, reading blogs, or go do something non-tech.

Also. As you “get embiggened” trust it doesn’t always have to be public. Know when to DM, shift to email, bring it closer to the heart.

(By the way, Gwen is involved in a new online project called The Mindfulist — daily prompts on mindfulness. I’m getting involved on my personal blog. I’m predicting a movement here, people.)

A couple more ideas to mull over: (and I’m certainly open to new ones in the comments…I’ve definitely got a lot to learn in this area)

• Twitter lists – I am a HUGE fan of Twitter lists. I have both public and private lists to keep track of more than people who tweet great stuff. I keep track of people who comment regularly on the blog. People who I want to get to know better. I make sure to take a special interest to the people who are interested in me. If I’ve got to choose who I’m going to spend my time with, I’ll choose people who are feelin’ the mutual love.
• Highrise (or another relationship management system) – “Relationship management” is the worst term I have ever heard. Can someone please change it? But they’re actually really cool. I can forward encouraging emails to Highrise, and it keeps track of it for me. It’ll show me people I haven’t talked to in a month. It helps me to remember details about people that I don’t want to forget. (It can also allow you to be extremely anal about information-collecting, but don’t give up on it for that reason alone.) Highrise is really useful for helping me to keep my relationships alive and well.
• Email policy – Email is incredibly invasive because it’s so easy to send. I can send it from anywhere. I can send it anonymously. If I’m feeling extra-spicy, I can send emails to thousands of people at once. You don’t have to answer all of your emails. Really, you don’t. But if you choose to go that route, let people know about it. And give them some other way to contact you that you’re more comfortable with. (“If you really want to get in touch with me, write a blog post about Alaskan elephants! Then DM me the link, along with your email address. I’ll be sure to respond right away!”) Just kidding…about the elephants.
• Office hours – Maybe you’re on Skype every other Wednesday from 1 to 3 for an open chat with anyone who wants to drop by. A no-holds-barred, “I’ll talk to anyone” session. I mean, wouldn’t it be cool if someone you adored did this? Like…Oprah. What if Oprah skyped on Wednesdays? Just sayin’. I would totally go.

I don’t think this “figuring out how to stay in community with everyone” is purely relegated to the internet-famous, but the issue is certainly a bigger deal the more well-known you become. Do you have any systems in place for keeping connected to your community? Pigeons, maybe?

It is insane how different our online worlds are. I’ll start talking to someone about a certain launch that “everyone knows about”, and they’ll give me a spacey head nod. I’ll mention an online superstar that “everyone has heard of”, and the person who knows everybody has never heard of them.

Our real-world relationships don’t have this problem. We can have conversations about our relationships because our mom knows who our best friends are. Our best friends know the people who get on our last nerve. It’s a nice little convenience when you don’t have to explain the backstory of every person mentioned in conversation.

This is why I’m excited about Twitter lists. (Never heard of ‘em? They’re basically lists you create of folks of your choice. Right now, I have a rocksmyworld list and a localsauce list. No, I won’t be creating a getsonmylastnerve list. Though I can think of a few right off the bat.)

Yay for organizing. Yay for prioritizing. But BIGGER YAY for being able to share our online worlds in a more contextual way.

A few more things I’m excited about:

• Being able to follow other people’s lists
• Seeing which lists people have included me on (if I start showing up on everybody’s getsonmylastnerve list, then I’ll know I’m doing something wrong)
• Ditching Tweetdeck for good (Sorry Tweetdeck. It was good while it lasted.)
• The possible demise of Follow Friday! (Why do people generally recommend following people who aren’t interesting?)

I’m less than two hours into Twitter lists, so I’m sure I’m missing a whole bunch of other wonderful nuggets of goodness. Share! Please! (It’s nearly 4:30am, and I’m still on here thanks to these lists, so I’m going to dredge up all possible pleasure out of them.)

So, Twitter’s down today. (Everybody say booooo…) I feel a little lost, honestly. But my feed reader is getting major action, so that’s exciting.

I’ve seen talk recently about companies not needing their own websites. That instead, they just need to use all of the new media out there and be involved in “The Great Conversation” (capitals and snarkiness mine). Let the social web decide your brand. Be awesome enough that you don’t need to say anything about yourself.

I have a feeling this is one of those “let’s say something really different so that we’ll get a lot of traffic and be seen as innovative and controversial!” Because really. Come on.

Just a few reasons why the “all spokes, no wheel” method is crap

• You’re limiting your substance. Maybe you really love working within the boundaries of 140 characters. If that is your medium, go for it. But don’t let anyone else decide on the format for your work. YOU decide that.
• You have no glue to hold the other pieces together. There isn’t one cohesive “why” to all the “what” that you’re producing. Your story is scattered in fragments all over the place.
• You don’t have your own stage. Instead, you’re sharing one. Your website allows you to have a stage that you have some control over. It’s where you put your flag in the ground and say “This is me. This is what I stand for.”
• You’ve got to follow the pack. If Twitter dies or if everyone else decides that it’s time to move on to Bigger Better Things, then you’ve got to go where the people are. You may even have to start over.
• You’ve got to be omnipresent. If you don’t have a wheel, you better have a ton of spokes to support your work. Mainly so you don’t suffer huge losses if your platform of choice goes belly up. And so you can figure out where the pack is moving when it’s time to migrate.
• You’re putting yourself at the mercy of everyone. Am I the only one who’s noticed that there are weirdos out there? Spammers, hackers, and people who are just plain strange. Yeah, I realllllly want to give them something fun to do on their boring Tuesday afternoon. “Woohoo!!! Let’s mess up Sarah’s life. That would be fun!”

I’m sure I could come up with a list of 50 other reasons. I’m sort of baffled this conversation even exists, frankly. I’m really proud of the social web for becoming so mainstream, but even I have my limits.

Image by @gwenbell

This past weekend John and I took a trip to Boulder, Colorado to hang with Gwen, Joel, Liz, and Glenn. While we were there, Gwen, Liz, and I hosted a clothing swap benefit at Restaurant 4580. It was a blast. We rocked hard. And…I learned a few things.

1. Colorado ladies have mega style and know how to rock a party

Image by @melsidwell

What an incredible turnout for our coast-to-coast fashion swap. Here’s a quick-n-dirty rundown of the tweeps who came out to play:

• @sabsavvy – Uber sophisticated higher-ed professor with awesome boots.
• @melsidwell – Firecracker bombshell of adoreableness.
• @jennfields – Mountain climbing phenom with the loveliest of curly locks!
• @amberwidom – Super artsy style icon (with an artist-hubby who rocks).
• @lovelylildove – 100% fresh gorgeousness, with the most wonderful warm smile.
• @siona – Striking beauty with rivers of depth and lovely conversation.
• @staceytabor – New media evangelist/proponent of eco-friendly products and practices.
• @srslyliz – Up-and-coming designer and cupcake nazi.
• @gwenbell – Her middle name should be Lolita or something equally bold and ravishing; her passion and fire are permanent.
• @mistymontano – Rogue wordsmith/news-hound with a penchant for the social web.
• @yosoykia – Yoga/photog/environment buff with a sparkly, grapefruit-loving personality.
• @abigator – Super fabulous woman of many talents (including seam ripping and rocking the vintage).
• @moneymanagement (aka: Kim) – Financial guru with a huge heart and love for Denver.
• @fabindenver – Ferociously stunning queen of Denver style.
• @sarahjbray (me) – Woo!
• @caligater – Almost made it to the swap, but not quite. An absolute doll with a passion for service education and the social web.
• @4580 – Restaurant 4580 equals yum yum.
• @pangeaorganics – Co-sponsors who gave out samples and freebies.
• academichic – Co-sponsors providing event coverage.

You should definitely follow every one of these riveting chicks. Supremely interesting, fun, and high style. Also? Their presence and clothes swappage is supporting two women’s co-ops with an abundance of clothes and the cash from the event. One teeny example of a bunch of people using their social media super powers for good.

2. Thank God for the internet

If I weren’t so connected with the world at large, Boulder’s ultra-hip, eco-conscious lifestyle could have been a freak-out experience. A good one, but still. Freaking out. Let’s just say, my neighborhood is 5-10 years behind the times. I knew this in my head, but to experience it was another thing. For example:

My house: Vanilla 50’s era rancher on half an acre of standard issue grass. Oh yeah…and some bushes.
Boulder houses: Architecture! Frank Lloyd Wright! Lines and curves and color in all the right (and unexpected) places!

My neighbors: Mostly elderly people who may or may not have heard of the internet. Or computers.
Boulder neighbors: Fun, stylish, friendly people who have this great sense of community and eco-responsibility. And tech-y! So tech-y!

My landscape: A few parks, the largest of which is built on (and named after) a mountain of trash. A beautiful beach that we often take for granted.
Boulder landscape: Native plants and grasses EVERYWHERE. Houses and developments that are built around the environment rather than instead of it. A stunning mountain range that several people admitted to taking for granted.

3. If you haven’t heard of a tri-tip sandwich, you’re pretty much not alive

Image by @gwenbell

Liz and Glenn were shocked that the rest of us hadn’t heard of these delicacies. They then proceeded to ask every person we met if they knew what tri-tip sandwiches were. Liz was so astounded at our ignorance that she even questioned if we’d heard of Craigslist. (To this moment, I’m convinced that she, Glenn, and the server at Old Chicago are the only ones who have heard of this sandwich. Have you?)

4. It’s true. Gwen is a karaoke fiend. And Liz is the sexiest Mexican country singer EVAH.

I wish you guys had been there to watch these two ladies perform. Definitely the highlights of the karaoke scene that night. Other memorable moments: The dj’s performance of the raunchiest, most ear-raping song ever heard in the greater 48 states (make it stop!). Also, some guy’s brilliant rendition of 99 Red Balloons…in German. Clearly, incredibly tough acts to follow. But Gwen and Liz? No comparison.

5. My super-secret project is just as great of an idea as I thought

My peeps served as impromptu guinea pigs in my pre-pre-beta test, and it was a rousing success. Gwen and Glenn tweeted about it a teeny bit if you’re dying for a hint. I’m fairly certain I’m going to explode with excitement in the near future.

So basically, I’m moving to Colorado

Well, not actually. But in my head, I’m all packed. Come to think of it, I’m literally packed, too. I’m spending my work-week in Nashville. It’s amazing how inspiring (and tax-deductible!) a business trip can be.

After this week, I’m staying put until the Image and Media Academy [pdf] on November 12th-14th (Yep, that’s me in the teeny print on the right-hand side. Squint. You’ll see it.). You should really come. Danielle LaPorte is going to be speaking, so you can experience up close how astounding she is.

If you read all the way through this entirely too-long post, ring the bell (like this…DING!). I’ll give you a virtual cupcake.

Image by @melsidwell

For more fun pics from the event, check out @melsidwell’s twitpics, @gwenbell’s flickr stream, @sabsavvy’s twitpics, and my twitpics.

More posts about this event:
Want a free fashion update? Set up a swap. (by @moneymanagement)
Fab in Denver. Who knew? (by @fabindenver)
PCP, Tri-Tip & Fashion (by @srslyliz)

I got kind of antsy today and made a quick (sort of) video for you guys. (Yay! Another person with a webcam!)

Also. I blame Pam Slim for the “I’m sitting in my room right now” brand of quality. She’s lowered the bar a couple of notches (and I love her for it).

One more note: for every time I say “face of the company”, mentally replace it with “face of the RELATIONSHIP side of the company”. Because that’s what I meant in my head. Quality, folks!

This article has been circulating on Twitter, and I finally clicked on it. Totally unprepared for the seething irritation it would bring to my do-nothing Sunday afternoon.

It’s not just about how future employers look at our Twitter and Facebook pages…it’s about it becoming a job requirement. And not only for self-professed “social media” people. For clerical workers, accounts payable employees, and finance specialists. The article compared social media networks to Microsoft Word, people (as in…it’s one of those things that everybody needs to perform their job adequately). The worst quote of the entire article:

“Now when companies hire you, they know you’re going to be an ambassador for the company,” said social media and career counselor Nance Rosen. “Who you have as your friends and how many people you have influence over have become a part of the vetting process.”

The use of our “online presence” as a job asset makes me sick to my stomach. But I also wonder if it’s going to last. People who significantly participate online don’t need to work for Corporate America. Combine your online prowess with a smidge of knowledge and a chunk of risk, and you’re successfully self-employed. Meaning: YOU are getting all of the benefit from your awesomeness.

Endless agenda gets old after a while

The caricature of corporate culture is this giant vulture whose profit-seeking talons obliterate anyone else’s needs or desires. I love what one commenter said: “Corporate America sure knows how to kick the fun out of everything.” Yep.

We can learn from this. The cliche of the corporate tragedy isn’t based on size; it’s based on mindset. It’s based on heart. That’s the thing I love about social media. We get to meet, share, and grow together in a place that — although coming at us through wires and space — is very, very real. Physical proximity isn’t necessary. Being honest is.

(I took down an article a week or two ago because I was afraid I was becoming ranty. But I think honesty sometimes means ranty-ness for me. Maybe this will get it out of my system for a while.)

Tuesday, I shared with you the qualms one of my clients has about “being personal online.” In case you’re too lazy to click over to the original post, here it was:

I’m an introvert. The people I work with are introverts. I don’t feel comfortable putting personal stuff online. I don’t know how to “have personality” on the internet without being unprofessional. I’m just not sure this is going to work.

My stance: Find a way. Even big business is getting the idea that trust works better than no-trust. Just watch all of the pathetic attempts at humor that plague tv advertising. They’re trying to get on our level…be one of us.

Our advantage? We are one of us. We don’t have to go all cheeseball or fake-funny to build trust. We just have to be ourselves.

Your stance (because you’re so stinking brilliant)

David mentioned that you’ve got to expand your comfort zone over time (which is completely true…you really can’t rush change), but that change is necessary. (His whole perspective here.) But what I really liked (which Felix pointed out) was this:

Being authentic in a public way is, for me, at the heart of being an entrepreneur. If you can’t be yourself when you’re pouring your soul into your work, maybe ownership isn’t for you.
David Mann

That is so true. I read The E-Myth a little while ago (really excellent for entrepreneurs on the edge of burnout), and it reminded me that some people aren’t entrepreneurs…they’re managers. Some people are neither…they’re technicians. But you’ve got to have that entrepreneur fever somewhere, even if you have to bring someone onto your boat who can take that over for you.

Maybe being an introvert isn’t the problem

If introvert means being shy around new people, hating the phone, needing at least an hour by themselves every day…that is me. Online, I am completely, 100%, no-holds-barred ME. In business, I’m the same way. Not only because I’m passionate and confident about what I do. It’s also because I’ve found my voice. And finding your voice is actually much easier online than in person. Like Jeff said (his whole perspective here):

So if the introvert wishes to move into higher levels of relationship with prospective customers, it’s not the terrifying handshake, introduction, or phone call. There’s an online paving that makes it simpler.
Jeff Timpanaro

Online paving. Exactly. And like Christy said (her whole response here):

Having an online presence for an introvert is MUCH easier than doing the painful face to face networking.
Christy Schell

So maybe this isn’t a question of being introverted or extroverted. Maybe it’s a question of learning to find your natural writing voice, or finding someone who has “it” to be the voice of your company. Unless your company is you…in that case, there’s no way around it.

Except maybe there is.

The lovely Heather Allard brought up a truly unique approach (her whole stance here).

Use your introversion as a selling point–market yourself as the creative introvert trying to show the world her product without revealing too much of herself. Private creator in a public world. Something like that.
Heather Allard

If you’re determined to be the voice of your company, then work your introverted-ness. There are all sorts of crazy, weird, witty, sarcastic people out there, but a severe lack of openly introverted types. Of course there’s a reason for that (uh yeah…because they’re shy), but if you can overcome it and just be honest about your shy-ness, then go for it.

But what about the freaks and crazies?

When you’re offering something to the public, you become public. That doesn’t mean that you share all of your kid’s potty stories or tweet about the intricacies of your life. You’re still a professional. You’re still an expert in your field. And you have boundaries. Take Danielle LaPorte, for instance. Real? Yes. Personal? Yes. Do you know anything about her family and her personal situation by reading her blog? No, not at all.

Some people do share more of their life as part of their brand, and it works for them. It’s just not necessary. Like Lidy says (her whole response here):

I don’t post photos of my family, or tell all, not on my blog either! Because it is open, and the internet makes it possible for anyone, friend or foe, to find you.
Lidy Baars

I’m not usually scared of that type of thing, but I’ll admit to wanting to wipe out all record of my existence after reading some scary book or something. I’m pretty sure it’s too late for that, but hey. If you accomplish anything worth mentioning in your life, you’re going to deal with being in the public eye. I’ve acclimated myself to that.

But if you’re concerned, there are precautions you can take (registering your domain name privately, using a P.O. Box, using a phone number that’s not a landline in your house). It’s not fool-proof, but it might make you feel a little better.

Wrapping this up like candy

1. Using your company’s small-ness to your advantage means building trust in a way that Big Business only dreams of.
2. Building trust requires being real. Being un-corporate. We don’t trust corporate.
3. If you’re coming across as stodgy (but not on purpose), work on finding your writing voice.
4. If you’re just not finding that voice, hire someone who is good at this stuff to be the voice of your company — unless your company is you.
5. Introverted people might be able to use their shyness as a jumping off point in finding their voice. But don’t confuse introverted-ness with a lack of confidence in your professional competence. You must be confident in your value, or you’ll have a hard time coming across as “worth it”.
6. Don’t let the creepy people scare you. Being personal doesn’t have to mean sharing all of your private information.

I couldn’t fit all of the insight you guys had in this space, but if you want more, check out the comments.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to an entrepreneur client who has the coolest product ever. A product everyone needs and wants if only they knew about it. This gal is smart. She’s got a high style website, incredible photography, all of it. But she’s having trouble with the untraditional, “be real” approach. We were on the phone so these aren’t her exact words, but it went something like this:

I’m an introvert. The people I work with are introverts. I don’t feel comfortable putting personal stuff online. I don’t know how to “have personality” on the internet without being unprofessional. I’m just not sure this is going to work.

I’m not going to tell you my answer — yet. I want to hear yours. What would you tell someone who’s squeamish about:

1. Being real and personal with people she doesn’t know.
2. Putting information online that might make her or her family vulnerable to weirdos.
3. Not knowing how to show personality online without coming off as unprofessional (and making the high-end product look lower quality).

Anyone? (Note: This isn’t a trick question. There are no right/wrong answers. I just doubt that I have the end-all of insight into this particular problem.)

I was so shy in high school. Worse, I was also paranoid about my shyness. Sometimes I would try to be not shy, and then some seriously awful loud guffaw would come out of my mouth inappropriately, resulting in increasing shyness and a junior year in which I missed 38 days of school. Not exaggerating.

Suffice it to say, I was not the epitome of social-ness. To me, life was so deep and important. Everyone else was having fun…and I didn’t know how.

Sure I had friends (thankfully, I wasn’t that kid), but I always felt outside of whatever they were talking about. I wished that someone would just take me under their wing and let me in on the secret to being on the inside. Still, somehow I doubt it would have worked. I was me, high school is the most intense social situation possible, and no amount of “how-to’s” would have made a difference.

Not everyone can be on the inside

I’m figuring out that you can’t teach social networking to everyone. I’ve actually been trying to invent a social-networking-teachableness detector. Ideally, it would measure brain function, work ethic, and above all…adaptability.

I would pay richly for a machine like that. A green halo would appear around their head if they passed. Red horns would show up if not. Because spending four weeks teaching someone everything that has made you successful only for them to fail because they can’t get it…that sucks. Feeling bad for taking their money, even though you have poured gold into their laps…that sucks, too.

These social networking pariahs may or may not know that they’re outcasts. They wear the “I’m corporate and professional!” t-shirt or the “Traditional marketing is the same as online marketing!” t-shirt, or the “Oooh…this is shiny, and people say it will make me money!” t-shirt. But it’s all the same. They either: a.) commit huge faux pas and bring about distrust or disinterest, or b.) can’t get their initiatives off the ground, so they decide that online networking is a huge waste of time.

A practical example of ongoing paradigm shift

I’ve been on Twitter since November of last year, I think. I’m a huge fan, for a million reasons — not least of all, that it has facilitated incredible opportunities for me.

A couple of months ago, I took a job that I under-estimated. I ended up having to work 12 hour days. I was getting paid for what I thought would be 40 hours of work…it ended up taking about 250. I had to cut back on everything that was non-essential to get the job done.

Twitter was still essential for me, but I had to start being more efficient in how I dealt with following people back. It was taking forever to go through the list every day, and I just didn’t have time. I noticed that several people were using a service called TweetLater to auto-follow people. Then they’d use TweetDeck to put their favorites in a manageable group. Sounded like a good idea to me, so I did it. I tweeted a couple of times a day, I kept up with my favorite people, but overall, I put it on the back burner.

I finished that mammoth job two weeks ago, so I’ve had more time to pay attention again. Being out of the loop for a couple of months showed me that nothing stays the same for long. Here’s what I noticed right off the bat:

• The problem with spam has heightened dramatically.
• People are now more paranoid of accounts that follow large numbers of people.
• We’ve long known that people are wary of accounts that follow significantly more people than are following them. But now, they’re also wary of accounts that have high numbers of followers, and are following around same number (aka: if you have 8,000 followers and you follow 8,000 people). A lot of people will follow anyone who will follow them back — it’s a cheap follow, therefore it does not help (and might be hurting) your credibility.

What started the shift

Recently, someone local started following me after I started following them. But they said “I almost didn’t follow you — you follow so many people, I thought you were a spammer.” Shock. Someone thought I was a spammer. I am the farthest from spam that anyone can possibly get without being invisible.

So I re-evaluated. I started noticing that things had changed — slightly, but significantly enough for me to make a change. I immediately blocked about 500 spammers. My follower count dropped, along with some of my pride. I started unfollowing people who irritated me (blatant self-promoters, cheesy quote spewers, people who sound like they r 12 — u no what i meen?).

I obviously turned off auto-follow. I now only use TweetLater for their “Vet Followers” feature — which is pretty darn cool. It gives you a list of new followers along with their latest tweet, their stats, and the percentage of people who have ignored/blocked them — then you select “Approve”, “Ignore”, “Block”, or “Spam” for each one and submit it — takes a minute or two.

I still follow a bunch of people. I still use TweetDeck to keep track of my favorites. But my regular Twitter stream is so rich now, and just as important, I don’t look like a spammer.

The point: You can’t be successful in social networking if you’re not teachable.

If you’re not succeeding, something isn’t sinking in. Figure out what that something is and make the change. Don’t be oblivious to your social stinkage.

Cultivate the willingness to put aside long-held beliefs for newer, truer ones. Cast off out-dated theories. Change as the online world changes by allowing yourself to simply notice what’s going on.