When they’re coming up with their website content, most people sit down and try to be as convincing as possible. “Made of 100% Egyptian cotton, these towels will add a delightful warmth to any bathroom.” (Are towels made of Egyptian cotton? I don’t know.)
My point is, nobody is going to connect with a statement like that because you didn’t write it for them. You wrote it for a nameless “customer” with a blank face. Or maybe a mass of nameless customers with blank faces.
In which I reveal that I still have imaginary friends
You know who I write to? Frankie. Frankie is someone I really want to know. She’s intelligent, passionate, and she has this ugly duckling website that has the potential to be a swan. She gets my weird sense of humor, but has no clue what a “tribe” is. She really doesn’t need me to convince her that I’m smarter than Ben Stein. She just wants to hang out and get to know how I got my business to take off…and how hers can too.
You don’t have to be all weird and make up imaginary friends who read your website. But ask yourself…who are you writing to? Who is visiting your website? Are you writing for them or for some nameless crowd?
Here’s how I would re-work that bath towel statement. For Frankie.
“When I sat down to figure out how to make towels better, I had a time of it. Towels are generally glorified rectangles of fabric…how can you possibly improve on a towel? But I did. I added a sturdy hand-sewn loop to the corner so that they’d hang easier on a bath hook. I hired a nationally-renowned textile designer to create a signature line of modern, everyday fabrics. And then I tested them on four kids, an entire pitcher of spilled kool-aid, and my labrador retriever.”
What’s your bath towel statement? And who are you writing it for? I’ll re-post the best ones.
Corporate lingo, re-hashed
Loved your ideas for corporate lingo that drives you bonkers. I especially liked:
- “Customer Focused” by Steve (because yeah…prove it)
- “Now, more than ever” by Liz (because now, more than ever, people are getting sick of phrases like this)
- “Solutions” by Jackie (because our online marketing solutions do not include using tired, imagination-less words)
- “Synergy” by David (because we’re not in that movie with the guy from That 70s Show in it…what was that movie?)
- “Boiling the ocean” by JJ (not because it’s overused — I’d never heard it before in my life — but because it rolls so nicely off the tongue.)
- Mark, one of my business heroes, pointed us to a book on why business people speak like idiots, which I’m seriously considering adding to my collection.
And lastly…
and in the “amazing recommendations” category…
Oh yes. Your towel statement. Someone must have one for me.
7 Comments
I don’t have a towel statement to share, but in our voiceover classes, the instructor often asks us to think of a person that we are talking to when we read our commercial copies. It automatically improves our reading because now we are no longer just talking to a blank face.
I didn’t know you were taking voiceover classes, Kelvin. That’s fantastic! I’ve often thought that would be a blast. Reading out loud is one of my secret talents.
Hi,
So glad I found this article on Mogul Mom!! Although I don’t fosuc a lot on online sales, I know I need fresh content for my product descriptions (mine are very generic)- this definetly makes me think on how to rewrite those!!
Great advice, Sarah! Muchas gracias. So often our attempts to reach a broad audience result in bland one-way communication, if you can even call it that.
@Kris – It absolutely works for any type of content — whether it’s your sales page, your about page, or your privacy policy (seriously!)
@Nathalie – Yep, so true. The thing is, we can read an article like this and say “Yeah, that’s right.” But then we have to be able to stand outside of our content and really ask if it’s doing the job. If it’s connecting.
Another note: “Big brands” can afford to be corporate and generalized. Everybody’s already watching *them*. (Of course, they can royally screw it up easier than we can, too). We can’t afford to be like everyone else.
My daughter (9) just excitedly asked me tonight to talk about all the things we want. (I thought this girl is smart that’s exactly what all those famous quotes by Rev Beckwith were saying to do I saw last night on YouTube).
I like your Frankie, I have *friends* too.
I wanted, in my most luxurious wish list Very thick Very white Very combo of rough and soft Turkish Bathrobes! I said I would have one Very thick, Very white, Very combo of rough and soft Thick (did I say thick?) Turkish-ish bathrobes for each member of the family and for any visitors who ever come over would also be assigned their very own (rolls eyes, no I’m not repeating it all again.)
Other than that, I’m getting there. I’m catching on.
Towels – a big fluffy hug.
Currently writing voicover for Engineering film, all thought of audience and message are melting away! Inspiration exhausted,a walk in the fresh air required. Thanks for your good words as ever Sarah
Jackie